Thursday, March 11, 2021

Appendix H. Who am I?


What follows is a collection of personal anecdotes that are sprinkled throughout this e-book. I have not included many other wonderful experiences that have occurred during my walk with the Lord.
Bolt from the blue
When I was fairly young and poor, I was driving along Route 22 one sunny day in New Jersey on my way to work. In that time before the global positioning system and smart phones, I was trying to pick out a sign for a particular auto dealer among a large jungle of signs on a stretch of road just outside Newark. I had strained to find the dealer on several previous commutes but my brain could not sort the data fast enough, even though I slowed some, though too much of a slowdown would have been dangerous.

I needed a gas cap for my fuel tank and reasoned that a dealer would be most likely to have one that fit.

Having been frustrated previously, I asked God to please help me find this place.

As my car neared the area:

Boom! A lightning bolt suddenly struck a sign amid the jumble. Yes, it was a sign for the dealer.

I do not know that anyone else saw the bolt or thought much of it.

Wheeling around, I located the establishment, which was hidden from the road behind a screen of buildings and signs for other businesses.

When I went to buy the cap – it wasn't in stock!

And so I wound up getting one the next day from an auto parts store, which is where I should have gone in the first place.

On reflection, I could only think that this was a bit of humor on God's part. After all, he did answer my prayer!
Poor input
When a newly born-again Christian I read quite a bit of apocryphal NT material. Quickly I saw that a great deal of it was subversive of the good news of salvation. I could see it was poison. Yet, it took me a while to realize that there was a strong correlation between time spent on that material and my mucking about in the Slough of Despond. I did not at first relate my sense of depression and lethargy with the false gospel I was absorbing.

Yes, I suppose there was something to be gained from awareness of the sort of poison the early church was fighting. Yet, I breathed a sigh of relief when I ceased that line of study. Of course, I am not being critical of scholars whose job it is to analyze such materials. But again, the canonical gospels are very clearly much better reading, bringing spiritual refreshment, light and hope, unlike many of their early competitors.
Hide in plain sight
A few years ago I became friendly with a fellow. A former computer programer in his fifties, he was out of work and on the dole. Though a very cheerful, friendly sort, when the subject of God would come up, he would demur, saying that that subject was something he did not know much about. Yet, his behavior, looked at objectively, was solid-gold Christian: always willing to help, to act the friend. Often he would chat with me about some little project or other that he was doing to help someone, which serendipitously might lead to small money-making gigs. He walked everywhere, often quite a few miles at a clip, and he was always busy, much like the Apostle Paul in the sense that he "redeemed the time." I suppose that what I am getting at is that Christ cannot really hide. He is proclaimed even by those who don't proclaim him!
Bad side effects
A hard-learned lesson about anger: As a younger man, I could not contain my rage against a particular group of people outside my family. Nevertheless, my boys heard my frequent outbursts and internalized some of that hurt, even though they well knew I loved them dearly. They paid a price for my intemperance in that regard.
An imprudent donation
Quite a few years ago, when I was the breadwinner of my little family, I gave someone $10 that I actually needed in order to put gas in my car so that the next day I could get to work and back. Somehow I could sense that I did not have the Spirit in this. I was acting on my own, of my own will only. I don't know why, but I brushed past that intuition, thinking, "God will provide." Yes God will provide what I needed to do his will. But he had already provided that ten spot. My casting it aside was folly.

The next day I was very embarrassed. I had to call in sick. I learned a lesson. That lesson does not imply that stinginess is a good idea. Only that we should avoid putting God to the test improperly, even in rather small matters.

Thank God, nothing too terrible came of this lapse. And my little stumble did work for my good, as I obtained a deepening of my walk with God.
A strong rebuke
I was walking along in Nashville, Tennessee. I had a bit of money, not a lot. And lately, panhandlers had proved an annoyance, so that when a friendly young man approached me for a bit of money for coffee or some such on this fine morning, I demurred. Though remaining friendly, he was clearly disappointed; his need was real.

Just at that point a bearded fellow strolled across the parking lot and declared loudly: "He's done it again!" I think he repeated that assertion once or twice more.

In any case, I got his meaning immediately. God had provided us another day! It was a vast, incomprehensible gift to me and my needful brother and all the rest of us.

And yet, I am embarrassed to say, I did not give that young man any money. It took me quite a while to realize that God was pointing out that I receive so much from him and yet I was being outrageously cheap with my brother.
How to know when to give and when not to? I had the Spirit! That's who I should have relied on, rather than leaning to my own understanding.
Led astray -- a bit
Some years back, as a born-again Christian who attended a good Bible-studying church, I somehow fell into the error of saying the Hail Mary, often repeatedly. This occurred, I think, because of a misunderstanding of God's leading coupled with my good feeling for people of Roman Catholic tradition. Eventually God specifically told me about my mistake (and one or two others, as well). He did not hold it against me. Had I stayed firmly grounded in Scripture, however, I would not have made that error. Everything should be tested against Scripture.

I also heard that the Roman Catholic Church was "the wrong church," which should not be taken to mean that the Lord cannot reach people there. What he meant, I believe, is that the real church is not that particular organization but is rather the brotherhood and sisterhood of born-again believers, and that those churches that preach the doctrine that I have been conveying are the prime places for seeking the Lord.

But, I add a caution: I am quite sure that God led me to enroll my boys in a neighborhood Roman Catholic school when they were very young -- a decision I have never regretted. As things worked out, they were unable to continue their education there, an outcome that saddened me.

Another blind alley concerned the Shroud of Turin. Had I kept focused on Scripture, it is unlikely I could have accepted that hoax for so long.
Gifts of the Spirit?
I have never had an experience of the type that is often associated with the Spirit coming in power (in a visible way), such as being slain in the Spirit (made limp by the Spirit's infusion), speaking in tongues, touching people to bring healing, and other things mentioned by Paul and others in the New Testament.

I have from time to time told God that I am completely willing -- as best I am able -- to receive any spiritual gift he wants to give. Yet, I know that the Spirit often comes pouring through me. He does give me a "gift of tongues" in the sense that I sometimes am able to communicate about Jesus to others with a flow of ideas that I would have never thought of on my own.

In fact, even when I am not talking or writing about Jesus, but seemingly about mundane things, the Spirit still illuminates my mind so that I get a lot of help seeing things clearly. I am not here claiming to be some super saint. I mean that, back in my old godless days, my inner light was dark indeed!

So I feel that the main gift is the Spirit himself -- and friendship with the triune God.

And the fruit of the Spirit is love, both in emotion and behavior. God's love is with me always. What's better than that!?

As Paul said (ICor13), various spiritual gifts will eventually vanish (no longer needed), but not love. God's love, which we who have been reborn eternally share, never fades.

Nevertheless, any spiritual gift God might want to give me, I am willing to accept it -- even if such a gift makes me uncomfotable!

After all, God not only gives us gifts of the Spirit, he gives us --  perhaps by deputizing the devil -- problems, hassles, even persecution. We are to pick up our crosses daily and do as he shows. I admit to more than once ducking my cross and laying up in bed all day and night. But, then -- unless I am physically ill -- I am lacking in spirit and dodging Jesus. Instead of hearing, "That's the spirit!" I may hear, "Why are you listening to the wrong spirit?"
Faith
I recall driving on a lonely stretch of a two-lane Texas highway over rolling, but sparsely vegetated hills, on a very dark night. I could not see past the occasional car in front of me, because any opposing headlights were overwhelmed by the lights of the car in front of me. Texans in that area had a custom, I soon learned, of flashing their lights to signal the car behind that it was safe to pass. I had to absolutely trust the judgment of the driver ahead of me! I had to put faith in that driver's ability.
Just keep going
On a pleasant day some years ago, I was sitting near the end of a path alongside the stream in Rock Creek Park in Washington, D.C. Nearby was a place where the stream went under the adjacent road. I had taken a look and knew that around the bend the dirt came to an end. You couldn't reach the bank on the other side without wading through the water, something that would have not been all that easy.

As I sat reading, a fellow came up the path from behind and proceeded forward. I greeted him, but told him, "You can't get through there. It's washed out."

He kept going, however, but paused to say, intently, "I believe I can."

He then went around the bend, under the roadway and all I heard was -- silence. No splashing, or noise from wading. Nothing. I arose and went to take a look. He wasn't there!

I was startled. (See John 6:21.)

Not long after that, I had to make my way from Washington to New Jersey for an important family function. So, being short of funds, I walked from D.C. to Baltimore, but then had the problem of getting across the harbor there. I tried hitchhiking, but was getting nowhere. I suppose my belief faltered and so I gave up and had my mother wire me bus fare. But, as I waited in the station, my wallet was picked from my pocket, with the thief long gone before I realized it was missing. By God's grace, I had enough in another pocket to cover fare back to D.C. and then to Philadelphia, as the fare from Baltimore north cost more than from D.C. north.

I arrived in Philadelphia flat broke, with 60 miles still to go. But I was able to walk up Route 1 as far as Princeton. Once there I was cold and tired, but, led by the Spirit, I mentioned my plight to a kindly woman who was about to board the bus I needed to take. She gave me money for my fare, which permitted me to get the rest of the way home.
God provides
As a young husband and father during a severe recession, I was having a tough time paying for baby formula, diapers, groceries, rent, etc. But I was confident in God, as he had carried us through some real difficulties.

One day I brought home my meager paycheck only to find that a significant expense had accosted us. I told my wife to pay it. Though she agreed to do so, she was quite worried. She could see we only had enough to last until Tuesday. "How are we going to get through the week?" she fretted.

Yet I was cheerful, telling her that as the expense was an honest one, God would provide. Don't even worry about it, I told her.

As a matter of fact, in the following week I even forgot about the fact that we were just about out of grocery money.

Then, out of the blue, my mother rapped at our door. She gave me a money order that I had sent her years before while in the Army. She had filed it away and forgotten about it. Hence, it was now worth $78 and change. At that time, $78 was more than enough to meet our deficit for the week.

I was jubilant, because God had provided -- without me worrying at all.

I wish I could say I have always been that trusting. Many years later, single now and living in somewhat straitened circumstances, a homeless friend asked to borrow $20. I was better situated than him, driving a car and having a roof over my head. So of course I lent him the twenty. BUT, I was worried about some expense that was coming up on Friday and I admonished him to be sure to return that money by then.

When I ran into him, he was hyped up with anxiety, as he wanted to be sure to return the money, which he did. Yet, later in the day, something came up -- I don't recall exactly what -- that out of the blue put a twenty in my hand! The point? God provided. I never needed to put the arm on my friend to pay me back, and God made sure I got that message.
Walking with God
I was hitch-hiking across America in 1991, when I arrived in Lincoln, Nebraska, without a penny in my pocket. I was walking along Interstate 80 in 90-degree-plus heat when I noticed that one of my feet was hurting. I took my shoe off and saw a nail peeking through the heel's inner sole. As those old shoes were the only thing between the bottom of my feet and blazing hot gravel and asphalt, I was in quite a bind. But I recalled noticing on the roadside a piece of old automobile carpet and near it an old rusty razor blade. Picking up that little blade, I sat down and cut two pieces from the carpet, using them to line my shoes. Man, were those shoes comfortable! I wore those carpet-lined shoes for another year. Jehovah jireh!
Muscle men
When my boys were quite young, we were on the boardwalk at the beach. I was amused by the five-year-old and seven-year-old cheerfully showing off their biceps to each other. As I chuckled I could sense God's presence as he let me know that that is how he views many human vanities. Silly pride. Fine for children, but  not really suitable for men. Many things by which people compare each other are just as silly, if not sillier. But, even worse, in our own strength we are all mucking around in the moral pigpen. Thank God that Jesus has cleaned us up.
Not my hand on the wheel
I recall that a few years back I was practicing a rather mild form of asceticism, following with little variation the same routine over the course of a year. Then one day, I found myself blocked by a rather assertive, but unpleasant, person. There was nothing for it, but to flee. I was compelled by circumstances to break my pattern and do something different. It was at that point that the Lord kindly told me that I had reached the limit of that particular ascetic choice and needed a change. The unpleasant person had been sent by God in order to redirect my steps. God had approved my self-imposed regimen; he likes acts of faith. Yet, he   would not let me go too far and corrected me -- the point of this anecdote being that Christians must beware willfulness even in self-denial (but Jesus saves us from our missteps).

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